Saturday, March 17, 2012

Metamorphosis

Just thought I'd post a blog that was a little less depressing. I have recently been doing a bit of self reflection and talking to some of those near and dear to me about some of the issues I've been going through, and I've come to a conclusion.

I've somehow lost my voice, my power, in essence, myself.

I'll get back to that in a moment, first let me get to how I came to this conclusion.

It had started a few weeks ago. I started feeling "twitchy". Restless. Like something was beginning to stir beneath my skin. Almost like something was waking up from a very long and deep sleep. I needed to do something with this energy, this urge to go out and make change. So I re-pierced my belly button(professionally), and re-pierced and gauged my earlobes (not professionally). It hadn't dawned on me at the time, but my vision started to clear a little. I realised I couldn't keep all this crap, all these thoughts and feelings and urges trapped inside any more. I wasn't dealing with it properly, and I knew that if I didn't get a grip and learn a better way to handle being me, well, something bad was going to happen and I couldn't stand the thought of THAT.

Since that little revelation, I've started trying to fix the issue. I don't really feel comfortable enough to just lay it all out on the table in black and white yet, but maybe eventually. I will just say that I am eternally grateful for some of the amazing people I have in my life. Sometimes, when you are so lost in your own drama, you forget all of the wonderful things, and people, you actually have in your life.

And that brings us back to my discovery.

I was at my little sister's house, helping her wash dishes while talking to her about what was going on. The conversation started out much like other conversations I had been having with some of my other loved ones, so I wasn't really expecting the revelation to hit me so hard talking to her. She reminded me of how I used to be. I wasn't perfect by any means, I mean, I still had moments where I felt milliseconds from just disintegrating, but they were fewer and were a hell of a lot more infrequent. I used to have a spine. I wouldn't take shit from anyone. I used to find JOY and POWER in having my green skin. I was different, and yes, that meant I was lonely at times, but I used to have pride in being myself.

When did I lose this? I honestly wish I knew. The more I think about it, the fuzzier it all gets. I think it was a gradual transition. I don't think it just happened over night. I threw away my crazy contacts, because I was just too lazy to keep up with them. I stopped dying my hair, because it was just too much work. I let my piercings close, and all but stopped wearing jewelry at all, blaming an allergy that honestly only flares up every so often and that could easily be taken care of. I stopped wearing make up because, well why would I? I stopped doing everything else that made me comfortable in this strangely proportioned meat sack I've been sentenced to live in for roughly 75 to 80 years. Why would I keep doing that?

I had somehow let the outside world, the fair to dark complexioned masses, teach me shame for my vertigris. I had beat myself down to better fit into what society may better accept. I had allowed myself to grow weak, another sheep in the field. The problem with this of course is that I was never meant to be a sheep. I was a fox in sheep's clothing.

So I am resurrecting myself piece by piece. A few more piercings here and there. A pair of contacts that make me look like I have "anime eyes". Oh and my hair is now bright purple.

I'm a green skinned beauty. An unchained fox. A creature of Light and Shadow.

And I'm not going to let anything or anyone, including myself, make me forget this again.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Little Boy Green

Okay, so this I do believe will be the first post where I will actually delve a little deeper into how my mind seems to work and how I function as an individual. I am going to be trying to find words to express something that I feel at times is undefinable, something that for the majority of my conscious life I have accepted as a simple truth about myself. Forgive me if it is confusing, I will try to clarify everything the best way I can. I guess the best way to start is...

I was born with green skin.

Not literally of course, but its there just the same. Just beyond the realm of visual perception there is something about me that makes other people naturally want to shy away. Not get too close. Some people seem to be immune to this horrible "charm", such seems to be the case with my mother and my sisters, but for the most part, I have issues with getting people to get close to me. Or rather, getting close to me and sticking around.

I always knew I was different, and really, I'm not just talking about being gay. I could feel it when I started school. I was keenly aware I wasn't like the other children in my class. As much as I wanted to be, it always felt like something was off, that I was missing something in these interactions with others that only I seemed to be aware of. Still, I did my best to fit in during those early years. I always thought that eventually that feeling of "not rightness" would eventually drop away and it would be true. I'd be a peach skinned kid just like the rest of them.

I grew out of that pretty quickly. I found out I couldn't mask my differences for too long. I had to be free, and the charade felt like chains around me, dragging me down to That Place, a Place I always tried to avoid. Later I would find out that That Place actually went by Depression, but it wasn't the name that mattered to me. It was the ability to breathe without pain. So yes, I initially tried to come out when I was 11. Other boys were talking about girls and all of that nonsense, and I knew I would never have those kind of feelings or desires for a person of the female gender. My parents, of course, did not much care for this news. I know now that it wasn't due to any lack of love for me, it was more a concern of what my life would be like admitting this. Botetourt county was not especially known for its open mindedness. At the same time though, it felt like a slap in the face. My parents, two people that I thought could see past at least part of my green skin seemed all but enraged by it. Middle school was probably my worst years as far as any of that went. I felt betrayed by them, and took it out on them in spades. I had found a little comfort in Wicca, but always seemed unable to find my balance when I needed it most. Then I fell in love for the first time.

Looking back, all I can do is cringe.

I wish I could honestly say I regret nothing I have done in my life, but that would be a lie, and I want to try to be as honest as I can. I fell for a guy when I was way too young to even pretend to know what "love" actually was. I acted on these feelings, and of course, I got burned. Its not an uncommon story, almost everyone out there in the world has a version of it themselves. But for me, someone who never really felt like they belonged, a person who could, and still to this day, be surrounded by people he loves and still feel alone, it was cruel. I allowed myself to believe that I may have found someone that understood what it was like to feel the way I do. To have those days when you have to talk to yourself for almost half an hour to actually get yourself to get out of bed. Someone who wasn't afraid of me and what I may be able to do. To have that illusion shattered, it was almost unbearable. Coincidentally, this boy also introduced me the one thing that helped me "control" these feelings. At least that's what I thought it was at the time. Of course I realise now that its only an illusion, and the fact that I'm still fighting with it makes it all the worse.

It hasn't really improved in the 10 years since then either.

I found a few people that made me feel like maybe it was just all in my head. People that were able to see past the green and seemed to like me anyway. And I was happy... for a while at least. They all ended up leaving, at some point. I wasn't skinny enough. Not smart enough. Not butch enough. On and on pretty much leading me to believe that I just am not "enough".  It was official. I was not only green, but defective as a human being.

It had gotten to the point that everyone in my life had a compartment. These people were friends I would go out with. These people were friends I would talk to. These people would be the ones I share my secrets with. These are the people with whom I would share... well other things. No one could move from their compartment, and no one could be in two compartments. It was the only way I felt like I could effectively deal with people. The problem though is, people have free will, and as much as I may have wanted them to, they just wouldn't stay in the little boxes I had made for them. If I kept them in the box they were supposed to be in, it was easier to hide the green.

But you can't hide something like that forever. Just like coming out of both the gay closet and the broom closet, this is finally breaking the surface.

To be completely honest:

Sometimes I say I'm okay just to get you to leave me alone because your sympathy causes me near physical pain.

And there is really no real reason that I can name as to why I feel like this the majority of my time. I know that honestly, compared to most people and what they've been through, this is nothing. So why do I feel like this? I wish I knew. I am trying to find better ways to deal with all of this mess. I've started talking about it instead of trying to hide everything. But again I don't want sympathy. I guess I just want understanding. Maybe if I put it out there, maybe if I am honest with myself and others, I'll finally be able to shed my green skin.

Maybe... one day.

Resolutions of the Witch

So this will be a bit of a new start for me. A very dear friend of mine suggested months ago that we come up with a list of things that we were wanting to try to make some kind of headway, if not flat out complete, by the beginning of 2013. Here it is March, and my progress is less than encouraging.

The List (in no real order of importance)
1. Finish writing "Dark Flames".
2. Lose weight; Get down to 175-185lbs (or lower).
3. Look into getting ordained as a High Priest so that I can legally perform ceremonies for people that may follow paths similar to my own.
4. Learn to knit/crochet.
5. Find other Wiccans to reach out to.
6. Learn Gaellic.
7. Better my singing voice.
8. Meditate more.
9. Learn better ways to cope with my emotions.
10. Start taking better care of myself.

The only one that I have made any true progress towards is learning how to knit. I'm maybe a quarter of the way through making Brandon a blanket. I have random drafts of various chapters for "Dark Flames" but I don't think I can use some of them since I think I have finally decided the direction I want to go with it. I haven't learned more than a few words of Gaellic, and if anything I spend less time meditating and studying than I did before. And though I started going to the gym pretty regularly weeks ago, I have again been letting that slide.

I have a horrible habit of starting things and not finishing them. I'm not sure if it has something to do with my fear of failure or not. I guess it would make sense. You can't fail if you never finish. Its one of my worst qualities (aside from psycho self-analysis). I'm always told I'm too hard on myself, but I feel like I kind've have to be. Ever since I was little I've always been told how smart I was. How talented...

I've never actually felt that way. But I feel like I need to do something. There are expectations I feel like I need to live up to. Not only other people's, but my own as well. It can be stressful sometimes...

And truth be told I've never dealt with stress too well. Actually, I don't deal with any major emotion well, be it my own or someone else's. I can't handle being in crowds for too long without something or someone to focus on. All of that energy, those emotions, unbridled and hammering against me is a bit much sometimes. And that is just other people. That doesn't include the moments I end up setting myself on the downward spiral, when my own emotions and words get stuck in my throat and the world starts spinning. The moments I start drowning on dry land.

So I am trying to find other ways to deal with my humanity. Trying to find ways other than beating myself up and, well, other stress relievers. That is why I like the idea of the list so much, despite it being a double edged sword. I like having something that I can focus my own energy and thoughts on something outside of myself. It keeps me out of my head for the most part. The other side of the coin as it were, is if I fail, or don't do things in a way that I feel shows sufficient progress, I start to stress myself out and the whole cycle starts again.

Blegh. Anyways, I guess this will do for now as an introductory post. Please, feel free to post any questions or comments. :)