So this will be a bit of a new start for me. A very dear friend of mine suggested months ago that we come up with a list of things that we were wanting to try to make some kind of headway, if not flat out complete, by the beginning of 2013. Here it is March, and my progress is less than encouraging.
The List (in no real order of importance)
1. Finish writing "Dark Flames".
2. Lose weight; Get down to 175-185lbs (or lower).
3. Look into getting ordained as a High Priest so that I can legally perform ceremonies for people that may follow paths similar to my own.
4. Learn to knit/crochet.
5. Find other Wiccans to reach out to.
6. Learn Gaellic.
7. Better my singing voice.
8. Meditate more.
9. Learn better ways to cope with my emotions.
10. Start taking better care of myself.
The only one that I have made any true progress towards is learning how to knit. I'm maybe a quarter of the way through making Brandon a blanket. I have random drafts of various chapters for "Dark Flames" but I don't think I can use some of them since I think I have finally decided the direction I want to go with it. I haven't learned more than a few words of Gaellic, and if anything I spend less time meditating and studying than I did before. And though I started going to the gym pretty regularly weeks ago, I have again been letting that slide.
I have a horrible habit of starting things and not finishing them. I'm not sure if it has something to do with my fear of failure or not. I guess it would make sense. You can't fail if you never finish. Its one of my worst qualities (aside from psycho self-analysis). I'm always told I'm too hard on myself, but I feel like I kind've have to be. Ever since I was little I've always been told how smart I was. How talented...
I've never actually felt that way. But I feel like I need to do something. There are expectations I feel like I need to live up to. Not only other people's, but my own as well. It can be stressful sometimes...
And truth be told I've never dealt with stress too well. Actually, I don't deal with any major emotion well, be it my own or someone else's. I can't handle being in crowds for too long without something or someone to focus on. All of that energy, those emotions, unbridled and hammering against me is a bit much sometimes. And that is just other people. That doesn't include the moments I end up setting myself on the downward spiral, when my own emotions and words get stuck in my throat and the world starts spinning. The moments I start drowning on dry land.
So I am trying to find other ways to deal with my humanity. Trying to find ways other than beating myself up and, well, other stress relievers. That is why I like the idea of the list so much, despite it being a double edged sword. I like having something that I can focus my own energy and thoughts on something outside of myself. It keeps me out of my head for the most part. The other side of the coin as it were, is if I fail, or don't do things in a way that I feel shows sufficient progress, I start to stress myself out and the whole cycle starts again.
Blegh. Anyways, I guess this will do for now as an introductory post. Please, feel free to post any questions or comments. :)