Thursday, August 22, 2013

A long overdue and hesitant update.

It has been many months since I have posted anything in this blog. I guess I have just been busy. It always seems to happen. You start to rationalize not posting something to yourself "Oh I gotta work late, I'll post something tomorrow", but tomorrow never really seems to come...

I guess I will give a quick run down of some of the events that have transpired since my last post.

1. Back in February I started talking to a man, and I am happy to say that we will have been officially together 5 months on August 28th. We talked for over a month before we had made it official. Neither of us had exactly had the best of luck in the past and agreed to take it slow. Stephen is exceptionally sweet, and I feel incredibly fortunate to have someone like him in my life. Almost immediately the poor man has had to deal with a bit of unpleasantness from my life, and he's still here... and hopefully will stay here for a while. *fingers crossed*

2. My father had a heart attack and had to have a triple bypass. He is doing fine now, but it... was not pleasant to go through. It was scary. Dad and I have never been close, but he is my father. I didn't, and still don't, want to lose him. He drives me nuts, he says ridiculous moronic things, and his sense of humor leaves a lot to be desired, but I still love him. He's lost a good bit of weight and is eating healthier, and we seem to be able to talk some now without screaming at each other. Things actually seem better than they were as far as our relationship goes, but its still far from perfect.

And now the most recent event in my life, the one causing me the most stress and the event that I am hesitant to even mention.... but I fancy myself a writer, and I tend to emote better through the written word than any other medium. Maybe it will relieve some of the stress I've been holding on to, and I can release some of the neurotic thoughts and worries that are constantly running through my mind anymore.

I guess I should start at the beginning. Six years ago, I started having horrible migraines. They would render me completely useless. I thought they were just migraines, took some Aleve, and adjusted accordingly. And that seemed to work for a while... at least until I woke up, unable to control my body as it started to seize. Unable to even open my mouth as I threw up...

That event led me to going to my doctor, who thought I might need to have an EEG, and who then sent me to get a MRI, then referred me to a neurologist which of course led to weeks of vague, disparaging answers. "The electrical currents in your brain are irregular." I remember "What the fuck do you mean by irregular?!" And that was honestly the only thing I heard for weeks. It was my senior year, already a stressful time, and the appointments full of non-answers were not helping me relax in any way.

Eventually though, they finally told me what they had found. I had a cyst on pineal glad. Because of it's size, they did not believe it to be the cause of my headaches. Because of where it was, it might contribute to my lack of balance, but at it's size, it wasn't unheard of to be completely benign. Finding it was circumstantial. I could have been born with it. It wasn't going to grow, but if I wanted I could keep an eye on it with regular checkups. My headaches were the product of my stress. And that was that. I found ways to deal with my headaches, and that was that. I got used to having headaches. I stopped noticing them unless they got worse than normal, to which I would just take some ibuprofen and go about my day. And for years, it was how I functioned.

Fast forward to present day. Roughly five months ago I started to have more frequent headaches. I figured it was just work related stress. Then I started to wake up with blood on my pillow and dried blood on my lip. I panicked. Immediately I thought about the cyst. I hadn't had it checked since we had found it. Did it rupture? But I was too scared. I didn't want to go through the weeks of not-knowing. Of wild speculations and worse case scenarios. So I rationalized it away. It was the weather. My nose has always been sensitive and prone to bleeding whenever it wants to (which coincidently seemed to be the case). It still made me aware that my headaches were getting worse, and that I could not remember the last time I had not woken up with a headache.

Right when I thought I might put myself through Hell with the doctors again, my father had his heart attack.

I didn't want to make a big deal about my own issues at that time. There was enough going on and I remember that I was not the only one that was stressed out and upset over the ordeal I went through last time. I kept my mouth shut, really only saying something to Stephen, and only in passing. He said I should get checked, but I still didn't want to do it. I was over reacting. I didn't want to get all worked up and have them tell me the same thing. Plus, with my headaches supposedly being caused by stress, it only seemed natural that they had begun to get worse (While I conveniently "forgot" they had gotten worse BEFORE my dad's heart attack).

Dad started to do better though, and my headaches were getting worse. I had always been prone to dizziness, but I was having more dizzy spells that usual. My headaches were more lingering, feeling like my eyes were going to pop out of my head. I started taking Excedrin migraine, because ibuprofen wasn't even putting a dent in it anymore. But I still didn't want to go to the doctor. I knew something was wrong, but I was afraid. I didn't really want to know. It is one thing to suspect something than to really know.

But I couldn't keep pretending that everything was fine. I started having issues with my vision. And the pressure in my head is almost constant, like I am wearing a hat too small for my head. So I finally went to the doctor. They ran tests and had me take an MRI, just to make sure everything was fine. Routine since they had found the cyst last time, no real cause for concern.

Until they called me and told me they were scheduling an appointment with a neurosurgeon because the cyst that wasn't supposed to have grown had grown. It had increased in size by 20%. Though still not "huge", I am to go to UVA to get a second opinion.

They originally told me this 18 days ago and the appointment has still not been set. They are apparently getting a team together at UVA for my second opinion. A team. To me it sounds like they may have already made their decision, they just haven't clued me into it yet.

I'm not the same person I was when I first found out about the cyst six years ago. I'm not leaving this to my parents to deal with. I have looked up what I could on this issue. Cysts smaller than mine have had to be removed. There are videos of the surgery online. And it is not without its risks. Blindness. Brain damage. Paralysis. Death. All those warm and fuzzy thoughts.

*sigh* The problem is I am obsessive and neurotic. I have thought of all kinds of scenarios, best and worst case. Can you guess which ones are giving me nightmares? As morbid as it is, I would prefer death to some of the potential outcomes, which only makes me feel like a selfish prick.

But... I am honestly just trying not to think about it. Eventually they will let me know what the next course of action is. And as weird as it sounds, it does feel better to have written it out. I'm not saying this for pity or anything, I just wanted to be able to get it out. It seems to be coming out at random points (usually when I am drunk) to poor unsuspecting people. Now I have control of the flow and its not as emotionally overwhelming. It is almost like it simply a statement of fact. I don't want pity. I don't want any undue attention, though if anyone that actually reads this would like to spare some healing energy for me, or more importantly my loved ones that are having to deal with this as well as my moodiness, it would be greatly appreciated.

On that note, it is late. I will try to be a little lighter hearted in my next post. I will also try to not wait seven months before posting again. :P Good night all.... and thank you for reading my ramblings.