Friday, March 14, 2014

To the gym!

The time has come for me to once again notice that I have gained weight and try to do something about it. I think I have replaced self harm with over eating and neither are really proving to be healthy for me.

So I am going to try going back to the gym more regularly. I think getting some of the weight off will help improve my mood. The logic at least seems sound, right? Bah. It's all just part of the process.

Generally though I am starting to feel better. I'm not back at 100%, but I'm the closest I've been in weeks. Just acknowledging that I am feeling better seems to feel even better, if that makes sense. I'm just taking more time for me and squashing some of those annoying impulses to help people I have no real way to help. Some things are beyond my ability and I need to build myself back up before I even try to throw myself back out there to help.

I've also been inspired lately to write more, so I am hoping to post more stuff soon. Til then, I gotta go. Gotta finish this shift and then... The treadmill awaits.... *lightning flashes, thunder booms*

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Feeling naked

So far I am not a fan of 2014. I am really hoping that I am getting all the bad stuff out of the way early and that the rest of the year treats me better. 

It looks like I *may* be on the upswing of these crappy little moments, but I am keeping myself from getting too hopeful. It only hurts more when you get knocked down. So instead of hopeful I guess you can say that I am hope-lite. It's shimmering there within reach but I'm not going to grab for it till the ground is a little more stable under my feet.

I think that I am finally dealing with my break up. I was just shoving it away the past few weeks, not actually dealing with it fully. I acknowledged it, but I didn't really let myself feel it, probably for fear of just losing it completely. I harbor no ill will for him, and I hope he holds no ill will for me. Sometimes people just drift apart. Lovers fade to friends and trying to be more when that happens just doesn't seem to work. I love Stephen. He is one of the best men I have ever met. I hate that we couldn't make it work, but I sincerely hope that he finds every happiness this world can give him, even if  it's not with me.

It's just a little surreal for me though. We are trying to be friends, and I think we are for the most part successful. I just have these moments though where I find myself going to tell him I miss him or try to be flirty. It's odd but I am trying to get through it. I think the hardest part is not wearing my ring anymore. I feel naked without it. I know that I could just suck it up and wear it, but I feel like it's a damned if I do, damned if I don't scenario. When I wear it I can't help but think about all the good times of the relationship, and they turn bittersweet since I know things won't be like that again. Of that same thought, without my ring, it's more real that it is over, which is probably another factor to consider as far as me dealing withy  the break up is concerned.

I will survive. I always do. It's just getting to that point that is going to suck. I hope that whoever may actually be reading this can bear with me while I find my footing again. Til then, all the love and light I can spare to all of you. Blessed be.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

I lied

This entry is going to be a hot mess, because I am a little scatterbrained and I am using my phone.
I apparently talk a good game, but seem to have a few issues actually following through with some of the goals I set for myself. I can go into all of the things that have been going on lately, but really, it all just comes down to I have slipped into one of my depressed periods and the thought of doing anything more than the bare minimum makes me feel slightly overwhelmed, which usually ends poorly for me.
I'm trying my best to crawl out of this hole, to be more honest with myself about how I am feeling instead of trying to make everything okay with lies.
I know that I have a lot of good things in my life that I should be thankful for, I'm not saying that I am ungrateful. People seem to be under the misconception that depression is just someone being overly dramatic about a bad day, or that self harm is only done by someone that wants attention. It's not like that at all, and I somewhat envy the people that have the luxury to think that way.
Despite only being 25, I have been fighting depression and self destructive/harmful behaviors for the majority of my life. I blame no one for my struggle, nor do I blame myself. Some people are just born with a predisposition to be depressed, and unfortunately I found unhealthy ways to cope with it. 
Some advice I've been given lately was to "just stop being depressed". It's not that easy. Depression isn't just something that one can turn on or off. It steals your strength, your drive to do the things that you usually love to do. Your brain just seems to misfire; I feel like my IQ drops to ridiculously low levels when I am depressed. I make so many simple/stupid mistakes when I am going through a bit of depression that it is ridiculous. For as far back as I can remember I've been told that I am "so smart" and "gifted" and these moments when I screw up something that should be so simple... It hurts. It just hurts. On top of everything else that I am feeling, I am overcome with a sense of failure. 
These episodes scare me in a way that words can not accurately describe. I have not harmed myself in over a year, and I am extremely proud of that. But when I am in this mode, the urge to just take the edge off is almost overpowering. Because that is what self harm is, at least to me. It's an addiction. An ugly, scary addiction that I will most likely have to fight against til the end of my days. That may be hard for some people to wrap their minds around, but it is what it is. I only ever left a mark where the general public could see a few times, before I realized what a reaction it had on people. All of a sudden people would be watching me like a hawk, shower me with sympathy and all of this emotion I just couldn't handle. So I became more careful about where I would cut. I could not deal with the disappointment and guilt thrown my way. People I loved thought I was trying to kill myself, but that's not it at all. I just hurt. Sometimes it feels like I am drowning, like I can't get enough air. It's like my chest is being crushed. It is in these moments that I panic the most. I have found ways to cope, but it used to be that the only thing I could do to make it stop was to cut. It is almost like I would bleed out that pressure. I could breathe as long as I could bleed. It's horrible, and I am not saying it is right, but that is what I felt like I had to do to survive.
I know that I was wrong now, and I do not cut anymore. The urge is there, but I know it's not a viable or healthy solution to my problems. 
I'm posting this as an effort for it to be a healthier alternative, though it scares me. I know people will read this and not understand. And that's okay. I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for me. It's not a cry for help or attention, it is simply an effort on my part to get out of my head, to drag myself out of this hole. There is a lot going on right now in my life, half of it I'd love to not be dealing with, but I will get through it eventually. Thanks to everyone that took their time to read this rambling mess.