Thursday, February 27, 2014

I lied

This entry is going to be a hot mess, because I am a little scatterbrained and I am using my phone.
I apparently talk a good game, but seem to have a few issues actually following through with some of the goals I set for myself. I can go into all of the things that have been going on lately, but really, it all just comes down to I have slipped into one of my depressed periods and the thought of doing anything more than the bare minimum makes me feel slightly overwhelmed, which usually ends poorly for me.
I'm trying my best to crawl out of this hole, to be more honest with myself about how I am feeling instead of trying to make everything okay with lies.
I know that I have a lot of good things in my life that I should be thankful for, I'm not saying that I am ungrateful. People seem to be under the misconception that depression is just someone being overly dramatic about a bad day, or that self harm is only done by someone that wants attention. It's not like that at all, and I somewhat envy the people that have the luxury to think that way.
Despite only being 25, I have been fighting depression and self destructive/harmful behaviors for the majority of my life. I blame no one for my struggle, nor do I blame myself. Some people are just born with a predisposition to be depressed, and unfortunately I found unhealthy ways to cope with it. 
Some advice I've been given lately was to "just stop being depressed". It's not that easy. Depression isn't just something that one can turn on or off. It steals your strength, your drive to do the things that you usually love to do. Your brain just seems to misfire; I feel like my IQ drops to ridiculously low levels when I am depressed. I make so many simple/stupid mistakes when I am going through a bit of depression that it is ridiculous. For as far back as I can remember I've been told that I am "so smart" and "gifted" and these moments when I screw up something that should be so simple... It hurts. It just hurts. On top of everything else that I am feeling, I am overcome with a sense of failure. 
These episodes scare me in a way that words can not accurately describe. I have not harmed myself in over a year, and I am extremely proud of that. But when I am in this mode, the urge to just take the edge off is almost overpowering. Because that is what self harm is, at least to me. It's an addiction. An ugly, scary addiction that I will most likely have to fight against til the end of my days. That may be hard for some people to wrap their minds around, but it is what it is. I only ever left a mark where the general public could see a few times, before I realized what a reaction it had on people. All of a sudden people would be watching me like a hawk, shower me with sympathy and all of this emotion I just couldn't handle. So I became more careful about where I would cut. I could not deal with the disappointment and guilt thrown my way. People I loved thought I was trying to kill myself, but that's not it at all. I just hurt. Sometimes it feels like I am drowning, like I can't get enough air. It's like my chest is being crushed. It is in these moments that I panic the most. I have found ways to cope, but it used to be that the only thing I could do to make it stop was to cut. It is almost like I would bleed out that pressure. I could breathe as long as I could bleed. It's horrible, and I am not saying it is right, but that is what I felt like I had to do to survive.
I know that I was wrong now, and I do not cut anymore. The urge is there, but I know it's not a viable or healthy solution to my problems. 
I'm posting this as an effort for it to be a healthier alternative, though it scares me. I know people will read this and not understand. And that's okay. I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing this for me. It's not a cry for help or attention, it is simply an effort on my part to get out of my head, to drag myself out of this hole. There is a lot going on right now in my life, half of it I'd love to not be dealing with, but I will get through it eventually. Thanks to everyone that took their time to read this rambling mess.