Friday, March 14, 2014

To the gym!

The time has come for me to once again notice that I have gained weight and try to do something about it. I think I have replaced self harm with over eating and neither are really proving to be healthy for me.

So I am going to try going back to the gym more regularly. I think getting some of the weight off will help improve my mood. The logic at least seems sound, right? Bah. It's all just part of the process.

Generally though I am starting to feel better. I'm not back at 100%, but I'm the closest I've been in weeks. Just acknowledging that I am feeling better seems to feel even better, if that makes sense. I'm just taking more time for me and squashing some of those annoying impulses to help people I have no real way to help. Some things are beyond my ability and I need to build myself back up before I even try to throw myself back out there to help.

I've also been inspired lately to write more, so I am hoping to post more stuff soon. Til then, I gotta go. Gotta finish this shift and then... The treadmill awaits.... *lightning flashes, thunder booms*

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Feeling naked

So far I am not a fan of 2014. I am really hoping that I am getting all the bad stuff out of the way early and that the rest of the year treats me better. 

It looks like I *may* be on the upswing of these crappy little moments, but I am keeping myself from getting too hopeful. It only hurts more when you get knocked down. So instead of hopeful I guess you can say that I am hope-lite. It's shimmering there within reach but I'm not going to grab for it till the ground is a little more stable under my feet.

I think that I am finally dealing with my break up. I was just shoving it away the past few weeks, not actually dealing with it fully. I acknowledged it, but I didn't really let myself feel it, probably for fear of just losing it completely. I harbor no ill will for him, and I hope he holds no ill will for me. Sometimes people just drift apart. Lovers fade to friends and trying to be more when that happens just doesn't seem to work. I love Stephen. He is one of the best men I have ever met. I hate that we couldn't make it work, but I sincerely hope that he finds every happiness this world can give him, even if  it's not with me.

It's just a little surreal for me though. We are trying to be friends, and I think we are for the most part successful. I just have these moments though where I find myself going to tell him I miss him or try to be flirty. It's odd but I am trying to get through it. I think the hardest part is not wearing my ring anymore. I feel naked without it. I know that I could just suck it up and wear it, but I feel like it's a damned if I do, damned if I don't scenario. When I wear it I can't help but think about all the good times of the relationship, and they turn bittersweet since I know things won't be like that again. Of that same thought, without my ring, it's more real that it is over, which is probably another factor to consider as far as me dealing withy  the break up is concerned.

I will survive. I always do. It's just getting to that point that is going to suck. I hope that whoever may actually be reading this can bear with me while I find my footing again. Til then, all the love and light I can spare to all of you. Blessed be.