Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Feeling naked

So far I am not a fan of 2014. I am really hoping that I am getting all the bad stuff out of the way early and that the rest of the year treats me better. 

It looks like I *may* be on the upswing of these crappy little moments, but I am keeping myself from getting too hopeful. It only hurts more when you get knocked down. So instead of hopeful I guess you can say that I am hope-lite. It's shimmering there within reach but I'm not going to grab for it till the ground is a little more stable under my feet.

I think that I am finally dealing with my break up. I was just shoving it away the past few weeks, not actually dealing with it fully. I acknowledged it, but I didn't really let myself feel it, probably for fear of just losing it completely. I harbor no ill will for him, and I hope he holds no ill will for me. Sometimes people just drift apart. Lovers fade to friends and trying to be more when that happens just doesn't seem to work. I love Stephen. He is one of the best men I have ever met. I hate that we couldn't make it work, but I sincerely hope that he finds every happiness this world can give him, even if  it's not with me.

It's just a little surreal for me though. We are trying to be friends, and I think we are for the most part successful. I just have these moments though where I find myself going to tell him I miss him or try to be flirty. It's odd but I am trying to get through it. I think the hardest part is not wearing my ring anymore. I feel naked without it. I know that I could just suck it up and wear it, but I feel like it's a damned if I do, damned if I don't scenario. When I wear it I can't help but think about all the good times of the relationship, and they turn bittersweet since I know things won't be like that again. Of that same thought, without my ring, it's more real that it is over, which is probably another factor to consider as far as me dealing withy  the break up is concerned.

I will survive. I always do. It's just getting to that point that is going to suck. I hope that whoever may actually be reading this can bear with me while I find my footing again. Til then, all the love and light I can spare to all of you. Blessed be.

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