Too masculine.
Shoulders too broad and hair all over my face.
Too feminine.
Movements too flamboyant, voice out of place.
Too fat.
Judgements abound, looks sting like blades.
Too old.
Shouldn't I know better at my age?
All these "too"s, yet it is never enough.
It is never enough.
So dumb.
It's not hard for a bullshitter to seem smart.
So emotional.
Can't play in the real world with your bloody bleeding heart.
So crazy.
Mania isn't attractive, nor are those scars.
So lazy.
Do you expect to do nothing and still be a star?
Either/or.
Neither/nor.
Too much and too little.
Starts at the surface, then breaks the skin,
Letting all the neurosis and insecurities in.
Too butch, too femme
It's all the same.
Little sparks that ignite into flames--
Why can't I just "be", and find some joy...
"That's too simple", my brain says as it starts to destroy
My confidence
My happiness,
My sense of self worth
And all of the accomplishments going back to birth.
I fight and I struggle until it is time for bed....
Til morning comes, and the cycle starts again.
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Dysphoria *poem*
Monday, January 29, 2018
A few years later....
Well well well... Look who is back to blogging, at least for now. I am going to try to restrict it to my writing and some of the things going on in my life. I am not going to make any false promises about how I am going to post daily, weekly, or even monthly. I am going to try to be honest here. I am horrible about keeping up with journals and blogs. Hell, to be completely honest, I am terrible at setting up routines. It is just who I am as a person and I have come to accept this.
So, just some quick updates about my life in general!
I am officially back in college. I am a few weeks into my third semester at Virginia Western and am slowly (so, so slowly) working toward getting my degree in Library Sciences. After all of these years I have finally decided to pursue becoming a librarian. Yes, there are days that I sit here and stare at my computer screen asking myself, "What in hell am I doing?" BUT I am determined to succeed this time.
I have changed jobs a few times since the last time I posted in this thing. I am now working for a really great company that provides graduation regalia for high schools and colleges. The people are really friendly and seem to really care about our people and our customers. It is a lot better than what I had been doing. I may have taken a little bit of a pay cut, but it was totally worth the preservation of my sanity. You can try to tell yourself that the hateful, venomous things people scream at you over the phone are not personal, that they are only doing it because they are upset over the situation and do not matter to you personally.... but they do. A person can only deal with that vitriol for so long before it starts to eat at their defenses. Oak Hall, my current employer, is a much better place for me, and I hope that I continue to do well as I proceed towards achieving my goals.
I live in Roanoke again! Judas, my boyfriend, and I have been living in Roanoke for a little over a year now, and have been together for about three years. Sometimes it is tough, but I do love the stuffing out of him. Fiyero has even grown to tolerate him some. Kinda. In small doses.
I have not made much progress with my writing in the last few years. I may have a few poems scattered here and there, maybe a rough idea for a short story and such, but nothing major. I still have only reached about chapter eleven of the book idea I have been playing around with since high school. I wish I could say that I have just been too busy to keep up with it or devote the time and energy to it, but that would be a lie. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid to put my heart into something to have people read and analyze only to have it be rejected. It is one thing to pursue something and fail, quite another to not risk that agony at all. I admit it. I am a chicken shit. I want to change that though, so here I am. Reviving a long dead blog to see if I can get those creative juices flowing again. I am hoping that I will find some success, but as I said before, I am not going to make any promises about any kind of posting frequency or anything like that. Baby steps and all that jazz.
Anywho... I think that will be the end of this entry. Stay tuned and you may just be treated to some of my writing or some other random updates in my life. :)
So, just some quick updates about my life in general!
I am officially back in college. I am a few weeks into my third semester at Virginia Western and am slowly (so, so slowly) working toward getting my degree in Library Sciences. After all of these years I have finally decided to pursue becoming a librarian. Yes, there are days that I sit here and stare at my computer screen asking myself, "What in hell am I doing?" BUT I am determined to succeed this time.
I have changed jobs a few times since the last time I posted in this thing. I am now working for a really great company that provides graduation regalia for high schools and colleges. The people are really friendly and seem to really care about our people and our customers. It is a lot better than what I had been doing. I may have taken a little bit of a pay cut, but it was totally worth the preservation of my sanity. You can try to tell yourself that the hateful, venomous things people scream at you over the phone are not personal, that they are only doing it because they are upset over the situation and do not matter to you personally.... but they do. A person can only deal with that vitriol for so long before it starts to eat at their defenses. Oak Hall, my current employer, is a much better place for me, and I hope that I continue to do well as I proceed towards achieving my goals.
I live in Roanoke again! Judas, my boyfriend, and I have been living in Roanoke for a little over a year now, and have been together for about three years. Sometimes it is tough, but I do love the stuffing out of him. Fiyero has even grown to tolerate him some. Kinda. In small doses.
I have not made much progress with my writing in the last few years. I may have a few poems scattered here and there, maybe a rough idea for a short story and such, but nothing major. I still have only reached about chapter eleven of the book idea I have been playing around with since high school. I wish I could say that I have just been too busy to keep up with it or devote the time and energy to it, but that would be a lie. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid to put my heart into something to have people read and analyze only to have it be rejected. It is one thing to pursue something and fail, quite another to not risk that agony at all. I admit it. I am a chicken shit. I want to change that though, so here I am. Reviving a long dead blog to see if I can get those creative juices flowing again. I am hoping that I will find some success, but as I said before, I am not going to make any promises about any kind of posting frequency or anything like that. Baby steps and all that jazz.
Anywho... I think that will be the end of this entry. Stay tuned and you may just be treated to some of my writing or some other random updates in my life. :)
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